7.30am – Give up on sleep.  To bathroom and start adjusting the contrast between my eyebrows and my hair.  As ever difficult to decide where to use more black or less white – really just like fiscal policy.

8.05am – Finish contrast adjustment.  Switch on Today programme to learn what Gordon thinks I should be doing today.

9.00am – Into office at No. 11.  (Very handy for No. 10 as I can readily walk around for direction and belief insertion.)

9.30am – Group of wild-eyed nervous types arrive from the UK Debt Management Office.  At first they are incoherent but I give them the usual reassuring talk about the ease with which the Government are handling the crisis.  Their eyes gradually lose the sparkle and seem to glaze over and then their leader, an older man clearly within range of his index-linked pension, stumbles into communication.  It seems that after all the money we have lobbed into the banking system, the growing inability of the failing private sector to pay taxes, combined with the accelerating cash needed to fund the public sector (especially the new  riot police) means we’ve run out of money.

There are two options – either we get foreigners to buy some Government debt, and quickly, or print the money.  Apparently the foreigners won’t buy our debt because they are scared we will print a lot more money and the inflation will leave them with some of Zimbabwe’s finest notes – unless we jack interest rates through the roof and kill the economy.

11.00am – Walk round to No. 10 to see Gordon to ask if we can print a lot more money.  He’s busy so I wait.  Chat to some of his PR people and a fellow who runs an interesting sounding body called the FSA.

1.30pm – Gordon asks me in.  I explain the problem.  Gordon seems disinterested – he sits at right angles to me and finally speaks in his Nelsonian way, “I see no problem” says he.  Then he turns to me and smiles oddly as he says, “Now I see the problem”.

Anyway joy!  We can print as much money as we like.

5.00pm – Finished meeting with printers.  Go home having rescued the country again.  Must remember to tell Robert Peston.

8.30pm – Hells teeth – sleep time approaching again.  How can I sleep!

My Day As Chancellor is a post from Advanced Business Solutions - Supplier of accounting software, business intelligence and document managment